


maybe we could be enough

by HazHas4Nips



Category: One Direction (Band), Shawn Mendes (Musician)
Genre: (of course!!), (wow I never thought I'd tag that oy vey who have I become lol), Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Anxiety, Depression, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Happy Ending, Insecurity, M/M, Mental Health Issues, No Smut, Stress Eating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-02
Updated: 2019-07-02
Packaged: 2020-06-02 20:13:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19448713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HazHas4Nips/pseuds/HazHas4Nips
Summary: Shawn's having another bad day, and he doesn't think that Niall will still want him if he sees how sad and broken Shawn gets sometimes.





	maybe we could be enough

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!!!!
> 
> I had originally planned on writing a fic for the "fluffy" prompt for Louis/Harry that was going to be super PWP about Harry's hair being fluffy, but I had a really bad week myself, so this fic was actually really therapeutic for me to write. I know the title isn't original, but I listened to "Home" on repeat while writing this because that song is absolutely beautiful and always makes me feel loved and heard when I'm feeling down. Plus I think the line I chose to title it is really emblematic of this whole fic, of Shawn not feeling good enough for Niall because of his skewed self-perception thanks to everyone's favorite friend, depression. Shawn's mental health issues are really reflective of my own, and it was good for me to put them on paper like this, in an alternative universe, and to be able to see that Shawn's still capable of loving and being loved even despite all the shit going on inside his head. 
> 
> ONCE AGAIN THIS IS A COMPLETE WORK OF FICTION. I DO NOT CLAIM TO KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE PEOPLE IN THIS WRITING. 
> 
> This is part of a Wordplay prompt challenge for the prompt "fluffy". To read the amazing fics that were written by the others on this prompt, [click here](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/fluffy), and to see all fics written as part of the challenge (including years 1 and 2), [click here](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/wordplay_fic_challenge/works). You can also find the masterpost for this year’s challenge [here](https://wordplayfics.tumblr.com/post/185709101043/wordplay-2019-every-week-for-five-weeks-a-prompt).

Shawn gets like this sometimes, and there’s nothing that he can do to make it better or go away; he just has to ride it out. 

It always does go away, and logically he knows that, but it doesn’t stop him worrying each time that  _ this _ is the time when he just stays sad forever. Which of course only serves to make him depressed  _ and _ anxious instead of just simply depressed, and then of course he starts spiralling into more and more negative thoughts, and it just gets worse and worse and worse until he’s wishing for a bolt of lightning to come out of the sky and strike him dead. 

When he wakes up today, he already knows it’s going to be one of those days. One of those days where he feels hollow inside, where he can’t bring himself to get out of bed, let alone look presentable enough to go out in public, and definitely lacking the energy and desire to put on his typical mask of happiness. One of those days where he feels like the weight of the world is crushing his chest, suffocating him with each shallow breath he tries to take, even as he knows— almost with regret— that it’s not going to kill him. At least not physically kill him, but on the inside, he feels like he’s dying. 

So he knows that today’s going to be another shitty day where he only leaves bed to pee or shuffle over to the tiny kitchenette of his studio apartment for more junk food as he attempts to eat away his sorrows. Which of course will only make him feel worse afterwards when he fucks up days of intense workouts over a couple hours of binge eating. But right now, eating feels like the only way to at least momentarily comfort himself and find relief in this fucked up mind he has to live in every day. 

He emails his professors for the classes he has today from his phone, and then tosses it across the room, wincing when he misses the pile of dirty clothes he’d aimed for and it clatters to the ground. 

But he doesn’t get up to see if it’s okay. That’s what the case is for.

He’s hiding from all outside contact, and if he removes his phone, it at least gives him the sense that he can hide from any social expectations. 

He wraps himself up in his warmest, fluffiest blanket as he pads over to the thermostat and turns the temperature in his flat down as low as he can so that he can justify getting all cozy in his fluffy blanket, fuzzy socks, and favorite hoodie-- which technically isn’t even his own but his boyfriend’s. 

Which leads him to the worst part of this whole thing: that recently, when he gets like this, he has had to hide it from the person he wants the most, his boyfriend. 

They just passed their three-month anniversary, and although they didn’t do anything for it— because Shawn doesn’t want to seem too clingy or scare him off by being that type of boyfriend who keeps track of every little, silly anniversary— it still meant a lot to Shawn. 

This is his first real boyfriend since his boyfriend in high school, and this is already infinitely better than what they had. Shawn doesn’t really know what’s considered “normal” or if it’s “too soon,” but he already knows that he’s completely in love with his boyfriend. 

He hasn’t told anyone, though, because he doesn’t want to ruin what he has with Niall. 

He obviously can’t tell Niall yet without scaring him away. And he can’t tell his friends or family because they’re still a little dubious about the whole 20-25 age gap. Which he’s explained again and again isn’t that big of a deal and that Niall isn’t doing anything weird or bad, but he can’t reason with them. Which he admits is valid, because he’d probably be concerned about one of his friends if they were in his position, but things are  _ different _ than they might seem if only people actually knew how Shawn and Niall are together. Niall is the sweetest, kindest, most loving person, and Shawn practically wants to laugh at the thought of Niall ever doing anything to hurt anyone, intentionally or not. 

So instead of reaching out to anyone today, he does what he does best and keeps all his emotions to himself, determined to spend the day hiding out and making sure no one else knows how bad things are in his mind. 

He snuggles up under a cocoon of fluffy blanket and soft pillows, settling in for a day of rewatching  _ Bob’s Burgers _ for the zillionth time and not interacting with anyone. 

He’s stuck between wanting someone to notice that he’s not doing okay and reach out to him, but also feeling physically ill to his stomach with anxiety at the thought of anyone trying to talk to him right now. So he burrows deeper under the covers, and allows himself to wallow in his misery, letting the handfuls of goldfish crackers he shoves in his mouth clot, at least for now, the wounds he carries inside. 

Opening up another window on half his laptop screen, he scrolls through tumblr for awhile but eventually gets bored. 

He scrolls through Pinterest for awhile but eventually gets bored. 

He can’t check his emails or Facebook or phone because someone might have messaged him, and he’s hiding from all human contact, remember? 

So he’s bored  _ and  _ miserable.

He’s kinda ready for lunch and some real food other than cereal or goldfish, but he doesn’t want to get up and take the time or put in the effort to make anything.

So he doesn’t. 

He doesn’t really even need lunch, he muses, sitting up slightly and pinching at his belly, forcing rolls in his figure. He knows he’s mostly just pinching skin and it’s not like he suddenly gained a potbelly from one morning of lying around, munching, but he’s sad and everything seems futile, so he decides to hate himself for eating so much, knowing fully well that ironically the only thing that will offer him temporary relief is eating even more. 

He takes a nap, and sighs heavily when he wakes up to discover it was only about 45 minutes. 

He’d wanted it to be much longer so that he could hide from the pain of being awake and alive for as long as possible, hopefully wasting away this day while being unconscious. But he’s not even good enough at taking naps apparently. 

He switches over to a Netflix show called  _ Derry Girls _ simply because Niall had mentioned liking it ages ago, and Shawn’s so gone for him he remembers minor details like that. He cherishes all his moments with Niall, and he hopes it isn’t creepy how good his memory apparently is when it comes to things Niall says to him. 

After awhile, Shawn realizes that he actually  _ is _ hungry, and glancing at the clock, he concedes that it’s well past his regular lunch time. But in direct opposition to his morning’s binge eating fest, he enjoys the pangs of hunger in his stomach, using them to punish himself even though he knows that’s bad and his therapist would tell him not to do that. 

But she’s not here. It’s just him and his fluffy blanket and the silly, worn out stuffed frog he’s had since he was a baby that he only brings out for days like these, and neither of them are going to tattle on him. So he lets himself go hungry, relishing in the false sense of control over his feelings and body it temporarily offers. 

He wishes it were winter still so that the sun would set early and he could trick his body into going to sleep for the night already, ending this terrible day. But it’s the beginning of July, which means they’re still right around the time of the longest days of the year, so he knows it will still be several more hours until it even starts getting dark. 

Huffing out a sigh, he flops back onto his mattress, staring up at the ceiling and willing himself to scream or cry or  _ to just fucking feel something. _ But he can’t. He feels empty, but somehow that emptiness hurts? He doesn’t know how to explain it, and that’s why he doesn’t tell anyone about it. It’s not rational. Nothing happened. He has a good life, and he shouldn’t be feeling like this. No one would understand how he’s feeling, so he doesn’t even bother trying to explain it to people. Besides, it will go away eventually and then he can go back to being the smiley, friendly Shawn Mendes™️ his friends, family, professors expect from him. 

He’s startled from his dangerous, self-deprecating spiral of negative thoughts by a knocking on his door. 

His stomach immediately starts churning and his heart races, and he hides under his fluffy blanket, as if that will keep whoever’s at the door from knowing he’s in there. 

His anxiety mounts exponentially, and he feels himself hurtling towards full panic mode as the knocking continues rather than let’s up without any answer. 

Right as he feels himself teetering on the edge, mere breathes away from a full blown panic attack, the knocking stops and a voice calls out through the door. 

“Shawny? Are ya in there?”

For the first time all day Shawn feels something besides overwhelming emptiness, and he almost longs for it again, despite all day wishing he could feel anger or grief or something other than the hollow aching in his chest. 

Hearing Niall’s concerned voice, though, knowing he’s right there outside Shawn’s door, triggers something in him, and suddenly he’s sobbing, the weight of all his self-hatred and newfound guilt at having caused that worry in Niall’s normally carefree, cheersome time. 

He hates it, and he hates himself. 

But more than anything, he can’t let Niall in. 

Niall can’t see him like this. It’s not fair to Niall. He shouldn’t feel like he has any responsibility to take care of Shawn. Shawn’s fun, he’s cool, he’s a laid back boyfriend. Niall doesn’t need to see this side of him and then feel this expectation that he needs to be burdened by Shawn’s irrational sadness. Because Shawn knows that Niall is the sweetest, kindest person ever, he knows that Niall will feel responsible for making sure that Shawn’s okay, and Niall doesn’t need that trouble in his life. 

Shawn’s been shouldering his own fucked up problems for several years now, and he’s never let any friends help carry the weight of his problems. He doesn’t want to be a burden on them. He can be the fun friend they expect from him; he just sometimes needs a day or two like today to hide out so that he will be back to normal next time he sees them, so that his mask of happiness doesn’t crack and splinter away when he’s with them, forcing them to see the ugly interior of who Shawn really is. 

“Please, darling, open the door,” Niall’s voice rings out again, and Shawn almost chokes on a sob he’s so worked up. 

“I can hear you in there,” Niall continues, jiggling the doorknob a few times. “Please, baby, let me in.” 

Shawn wraps himself up in the blanket like some sort of powder pink, fluffy armor and forces himself to get out of bed and over towards the door. That seems to be all the energy he can muster, though, because he falls to the floor in a jumble of too long limbs he’s still not entirely used to, all the desire to fight this shitty feeling completely sapped from the 10 foot walk to the door. 

“I can’t,” Shawn manages to get out, cringing and hating himself for his inability to make that sound as flippant and unbothered as he had hoped. “Um, I’m just not feeling great today, and I don’t want you to catch anything.”

He feels bad about lying but he’d feel worse if Niall saw who the real Shawn was, this pathetic, broken mess on the floor, hiding behind a protective barrier of pink fluff. 

“Oh Shawny,” Niall sighs out, and Shawn hears a dull thud as if Niall has sat down on the other side of the door so they’re both huddled on the floor, mere inches apart except for the door that Shawn refuses to open, refuses to let Niall in. 

“I don’t mind, really. I just want to see you, to be able to take care of you.”

Shawn bites down hard on his bottom lip, fists flying up to rub at his eyes, feeling desperately panicked at his inability to just  _ open the fucking door _ . But he physically can’t. He can’t bring himself to open it without feeling like his heart is going to burst out of his chest and he’s going to suffocate on his own dumb panic. 

“I can’t,” Shawn mumbles, so quietly he’s not sure if Niall can hear it through the door. 

“Let me take care of you,” Niall says again, and he sounds so sincere yet so defeated that in that moment, Shawn hates the thought of Niall leaving more than he hates the thought of Niall seeing him like this. 

Fighting through the panic crashing over him in waves, Shawn reaches up from his spot on the floor and unlocks the door, immediately huddling back in on himself when he hears Niall scramble to open it. He ducks his head down and hides it under the blankets, knowing it’s childish and worrying that Niall— cool older Niall with a real job and real flat and real grown up responsibilities— will finally wake up and realize that he doesn’t want to be stuck dating some whiny, pointlessly sad kid when he could do so much better. 

“Oh, sweetheart,” Niall sighs out upon seeing Shawn, and he instantly drops the bags he’s holding in both arms to crouch down and surround Shawn in a tight embrace, leaving the door slightly ajar in his desperation to get to Shawn immediately and offer him some sort of comfort. 

It’s not pretty or graceful, but they manage to get into a position with Niall sitting against the (now closed) door, rocking Shawn, all curled up in his lap. 

It’s both immensely comforting and also insanely anxiety-invoking as Shawn can’t stop convincing himself that Niall has finally realized in this moment how much younger Shawn is and that the second Shawn feels better, he’s going to leave him. Because Niall’s too good of a person to leave Shawn now, so Shawn just knows he’s going to take care of him now and just make Shawn feel even more in love with him before he inevitably leaves him. 

But even with that realization, Shawn can’t stop himself from nuzzling closer to Niall’s reassuring warmth, smiling softly for the first time all day as his cheek rubs against some of Niall’s chest hair poking out from under his button-down. 

Niall lays gentle kisses across the top of Shawn’s head, and it makes Shawn’s chest physically ache with all the love it has to contain for this man holding him. 

Niall rubs his arms up and down Shawn’s back soothingly and murmurs kind words, never rushing or pressuring Shawn to tell him what’s going on. 

Which makes Shawn frustratingly easily fall for him more, because Shawn  _ hates _ when he gets like this and everyone instantly wants to know “what happened?” Because nothing happened, and Shawn feels so guilty about that, and he hates having to justify for people that his feelings are valid when he himself can’t even figure out why his feelings are valid. But Niall doesn’t ask that, Niall just somehow always knows how to give Shawn exactly what he needs.

Finally Shawn calms down and stops crying but makes no effort to move from Niall’s lap, even as his legs start to ache from being curled up on the hard floor for so long. He figures that if Niall is going to break up with him after this, he might as well savor every moment he can in Niall’s strong, wonderful arms. 

“Wanna move this onto the bed?” Niall asks him quietly, and Shawn can’t help shooting him a teasing look. It’s just so natural between them. 

“Not like that, you big horndog,” Niall laughs, swatting playfully at Shawn’s arm, making Shawn smile again. The second time he’s smiled all day and both have been because of Niall. God damnit, he’s so far gone for Niall. 

Shawn sighs and heaves himself up, offering Niall a hand to help him up as Niall grumbles about his old knees. 

When they’re both standing, Shawn remembers the bags Niall had been carrying when he came in, and he looks down at them quizzically, trying to figure out what they are. 

Niall follows Shawn’s gaze down to them and then a blinding smile overtakes his face. 

“Hey, don’t worry your sweet, young Canadian head about these. Go get comfy in bed, and I’ll bring them over,” Niall playfully shoves him in the direction of his bed, and Shawn goes willingly, curling in on himself as he walks, instantly missing the comforting presence of Niall against him. 

When he’s all settled in with several pillows propped up around him and a spot next to him available for Niall, Shawn looks over at Niall, who’s pulling things out of the bag and placing them on Shawn’s worn-down, second-hand-sale table. 

“Alright,” Niall announces with bravado, wielding a DVD player with a cord to connect to a MacBook. “We’ve got  _ Cars _ ,  _ Up _ , or  _ Monsters Inc _ . Your choice, darling.”

Shawn gives him a look, unsure if Niall’s serious and Shawn’s biggest fears of him finally seeing Shawn as a kid are coming to fruition. 

“What?” Niall asks, picking up on Shawn’s hesitation but mistaking it for judgment. “These are me go-to movies when I’m feeling down. Can’t go wrong with Pixar.  _ Cars _ and  _ Monsters Inc _ are just feel-good fun, but I always choose  _ Up _ because it’s feel-good  _ and _ gives you an excuse to cry without having to justify why.” 

Shawn smiles, feeling so incredibly lucky to have Niall who just somehow  _ gets him _ , gets that that’s exactly what he needs. 

“Okay, let's do  _ Up _ .” 

“Great choice!” Niall seems genuinely excited and shoots Shawn another blinding smile. Shawn burrows deeper into his blanket, feeling both happier than he’s felt all day but also sadder at the inevitably of their break up. 

Niall comes over and hands Shawn the DVD player and movie, letting him set it up on his laptop as Niall goes back to his bags. 

“I also brought chocolate, Pringle’s, Oreos, and….” Niall trails off and with a dramatic flourish, pulls out a tub of something. “Some of Mama Horan’s famous chicken noodle soup. It’s physically impossible to still feel bad after trying this recipe. Whipped it up just this afternoon for you.”

“Niall,” Shawn’s voice cracks as tears fill his eyes again. 

“Oh honey,” Niall puts the food down and rushes to Shawn’s side, instantly holding him close. 

“I’m sorry,” Shawn hiccups out in between sobs, repeating the words over and over. “I’m so sorry.”

“Darling,” Niall pulls back and cups Shawn’s face in both hands, gently brushing away his tears with his thumbs. “You have nothing to apologize for.”

“But…” Shawn takes a few breathes as he tries to formulate what he’s about to say. He’d hoped they could at least have this evening together before they ended things, but he supposes it's better to rip off the band aid now rather than prolonging the inevitable and just making it harder when Niall leaves him. 

“I just… you don’t have to take care of me, and you don’t have to worry about me, and I’m sorry about being such a burden and not being mature enough to deal with my own shit myself, and you probably just think I’m some annoying kid now, and I’m just…. I’m sorry you have to deal with this. I get it if you want to end this, makes sense.”

“Shawny,” Niall says, refusing to let Shawn go. “You don’t really feel like that, do ya?”

Shawn shrugs half-heartedly, glancing down for a moment, unable to maintain Niall’s steadfast gaze.

“You’re not a burden on me at all! I  _ like _ taking care of you, and I know I don’t  _ have _ to, but I  _ want _ to. And feeling down doesn’t make you immature or like some annoying kid or whatever. It happens to everyone, definitely me too, and that’s okay. I’ll always be there for you. You can’t get rid of me that easily.”

“Really?” 

Shawn feels a flicker of hope for the first time all day, because maybe he didn’t fuck everything up with Niall. 

“Really really,” Niall assures him, using his hands still dipping Shawn’s face to tilt his head forward so Niall can place a gentle kiss on his forehead, on both cheeks, and on the tip of his nose, pulling back to meet Shawn’s eyes as Shawn smiles his first real, full-blown smile of the day. 

“I’m not going anywhere, if you’ll have me,” Niall murmurs. 

Shawn nods rapidly, blushing slightly as he leans forward and captures Niall’s lips in a soft kiss, trying to pour all his emotions and gratitude and  _ I love you _ ’s into that one simple action. 

Pulling back slightly, Shawn keeps his eyes closed, savoring the moment, biting down on his bottom lip to contain his smile. 

He yelps out and then giggles as he’s taken by surprise at Niall kissing both his eyelids. His body feels warm and tingly with how loved he feels right now, even if they’re yet to say those three magic words. 

Shawn pouts and flutters his eyes open as he feels Niall let go of his face, but he smiles dopily as he watches Niall’s glorious backside in perfect view as he heads over to his bags. 

He looks over to Shawn and returns his smile, his eyes instantly going soft as he catches Shawn looking at him. 

“Now, if I remember correctly, we were talking about how you wanted two servings of me mum’s delicious soup, yeah?”


End file.
